Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A perfect moment of clarity

It's funny what a perfect moment is like.

I had this dream, you see. Katie and I were arguing in our house, which was not a house I or we had ever lived in. She was leaving me. I guess it was really the fight we should have had but never did. Anyways, she left and I had this epic meltdown in my dream. I was throwing things outside. I burned her possessions. I destroyed the house, because I was so mad at her. She destroyed our house, the house we built together in the dream, was now a rotting run-down house, and I was left there alone with it all by myself.  And I just screamed and screamed, at her, at myself, at no one.  And then I woke up.

And I remembered this dream.

What you may not realize is: I never, ever have remembered a dream, with one exception, prior to this dream. My subconscious was desperate for my conscious self to understand this: I was mad at Katie. Lividly.

But I wasn't aware of it until that moment when I woke up. I've never had such a feeling a clarity in my life. I've never felt what it's like to see everything and understand the world in your head so perfectly clear.

Of course, that clarity passed. But what remained was the fact that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who left. I'm a flawed human being, and at fault for a lot of things, but not the failure of my marriage. And I wasn't happy about that loss.

I'm still lonely, but it's a better kind of lonely now.

And I think I'm a better person now. I've since stopped taking my meds. And I don't mope around anymore.  And I'm trying to be a better friend; I'm slowly making new ones. This school year will be different, because I'm a new person now.

From this crucible has evolved a newer, possibly better, me.

More on dating, later...

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