Sunday, August 1, 2010

Yeah, so...

I've managed to not update at all, either here or in my paper journal.  Which isn't good for my mental health, I think.  Certainly cheaper than therapy.

So, generally, good news: I'm not completely screwed.  I've managed to squeak myself by from complete disaster again.

In other news, it's coming up on a year since she left.  I still don't know how I feel about how she did it.  One day, she just didn't come home.  She was just finally gone.  I guess I had seen it coming, but didn't want to admit it.  I wanted to believe her lies about fixing our relationship, etc, because thats what I wanted.  And it didn't hit me for a while that she was gone.  It took her coming back to take things for me to really get it.  To get that she was leaving.  It took me a lot longer to realize and understand that I'd been lied to and used for so long I'd forgotten who it was I had married, because I hadn't seen her in so long.  The person who left me wasn't the person I married, because she wouldn't have cheated and left me like that.  But that's the danger of loving someone with BPD, all it takes is the right person to come along and unbalance them.  These days it's sad to see what she has become, a young photocopy of [redacted], she lost herself in this monster.  And who knows, maybe she's happier now.  And maybe I'll be happier one day.

If anything, I've learned to make friends.  And to be a friend.  And maybe I'll find someone else along the way, someone who actually likes me for me, and I won't have to bury so much of me to be with them.  And maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll continue to make more friends, and find my life in that.  Or the chemistry.  At this point my life is full of possibility, and I don't know where the next turn will be.

Also, I'm turning 30, and it feels weird.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

[Reblogged] Constance McMillen Gets School to Change Discrimination Policy

Constance McMillen Gets School to Change Discrimination Policy: "

Constance McMillen, the girl whose prom was canceled so that she couldn’t attend it with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo, finally has a victory after all that she’s been through.

[The Itawamba County School District] agreed to implement a policy banning discrimination or harassment on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, the first policy to do so at a public school in the state of Mississippi. The school also agreed to pay McMillen $35,000 in damages and pay for McMillen’s attorneys’ fees.

Wow. Go ACLU!

I hope Constance uses whatever money is left over after lawyers’ fees and uses it to get the hell out of that backwards state. If I thought her presence could help change the way GLBT students are seen by others, I’d encourage her to stay, but that’s not the case at the moment.

For that perception to change, it would take Christians changing their churches from the inside. In other words, it’s probably not going to happen. Where were the Christians during all this? Nowhere. Most of them are too cowardly to stand up against their church doctrine when it comes to homosexuality. (But if I’m wrong and you know a Christian trying to make a difference within his/her church in that state, please let me know.)

It shouldn’t take a lawsuit for a public school district to acknowledge they shouldn’t be discriminating against their own students due to sexual orientation.

At least we have a strong precedent for the future; hopefully, no other gay or lesbian student in Mississippi will have to deal with similar problems.

Constance took this all in stride:

“I’m so glad this is all over. I won’t ever get my prom back, but it’s worth it if it changes things at my school,” said McMillen, who was harassed so badly by students blaming her for the prom cancellation that she had to transfer to another high school to finish her senior year. “I hope this means that in the future students at my school will be treated fairly. I know there are students and teachers who want to start a gay-straight alliance club, and they should be able to do that without being treated like I was by the school.”

This is a fantastic lesson in what can happen when you stay true to yourself and face the bigots head-on.

I think the American Humanist Association deserves some love for throwing her the prom her school refused to give her.

And the ACLU deserves massive credit for their court victory. If you’re not already a member of the ACLU, show them your support.

(via @antiheroine)

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[Re-blogged] The history of the American Right.

The history of the American Right.: "
Shamelessly stolen from ryedo, a UF commenter who posted a link to this video on Monday on another thread. I thought it was a work of minor genius and deserved a thread all of its own -- thanks ryedo!


Trouble always finds me

So I made some comments last night on Facebook in regards to this picture:

Steven Dick
LOL! Yeah... true. But, I'm more curious how the teabaggers are going to fare in general elections. We've only had one general with a tea bag candidate, and they lost, lol.
...and woke up this morning to this:

 [Other Dood] 
I'll ask you to kindly drop the sexual slur in relation to tea party members. That type of rhetorical garbage suggests an inability to accept that others might disagree with your political ideology for legitimate reasons.
Just because someone thinks government spending is out of control, Congress is trying to do too much, and that increased regulation is likely to be increased BAD regulation does not make that person a douche bag.

...And as we all know, I can't not argue.   So I replied with the below, but felt it reached sufficent length to be postable as well, lol.
I refuse, in all times, to give up my free speech, so no.  Should [Mutual Friend] choose to delete them in the interests of protecting your feelings, thats fine, her post, her fb wall, her choice.  Also, one who tea bags would by definition have nothing to do with douching.  
Additionally, for a 'party' who is against government spending, where we you (the party, not you) when the Bush presidency was spending the money for two wars and not putting on the books, but instead in the national deficit?  Where were you when he set up an unpaid-for prescription drug plan?  As for regulations, we've had 8 years of Bush deregulation, which ended with the current economic disaster, precisely because of deregulation.  And for most Americans, taxes haven't been this low in years.  So yes, I do have a low regard for this 'party' who is using the same old sound bites to agitate a lot of uneducated (politically or otherwise) because they lost an election, and are willfully using racial undertones to do so.
  I do not believe the tea party is about any of the things it's actual individual people want to believe in, it is about fear mongering, and winning the next election by pointing out the president is black, and trying to throw the mis-applied term 'socialist' at him enough times until it sticks (considering how many useless bargains he's made trying to get bipartisan support, he's a very moderate democrat, as his presidency goes.)  So yes, I do hold the tea party as a joke, and an insult to the american political system, and I will continue to call them by the name THEY coined for themselves, without ever stopping to check the facts (which seems to be a recurring problem): tea baggers.
That all being said, I don't know YOU.  Maybe you're one of the 5% or so who really do beleive in small gov't, lower taxes, etc.  I choose to beleive that a freind of [Mutual Friend] is the later rather than the former.  But if thats true, you're surrounding yourself with a poor choice of people.  And if you see a racist sign at a rally and do nothing about it, you're sanctioning it.  If you see a sign thats a lie (death panels, for example), and do nothing about it, you're allowing those people to define your movement.  I think that our government works best when we come to a middle ground and work together.  I have no problem with, and in fact encourage, thought based opposition to everything I believe, with real facts and more importantly, a willingness to see that the best way for the most people is in the middle.  I would not want to live in a world where the crazy-ass liberals (aka, those I agree with) were in total control, not because I think it would be a bad place, but because I think thats 's not how America was supposed to be.  

Update: 'Other Dood' schooled me with this well-reasoned response:

I'm not asking you to give you your "free speech." I'm asking you to not be unnecessarily offensive when expressing your opinion. Asking you to be polite is not an attempt to censor you.

The rest of your screed shows that you A) assume your knowledge is complete and B) don't care if it isn't. So you've made yourself clear.
So while my screed, and yeah, I went on a bit there, was lengthy, I certainly gave him plenty of room to clarify his position on the tea baggers party.  But instead I guess he choose to get the last word in.  Shame.  Old Usenet me woulda ripped that boy to shreds.  All-growed-up me knows when to leave the  racist-accommodating two-bit nut-jobs alone...

A perfect moment of clarity

It's funny what a perfect moment is like.

I had this dream, you see. Katie and I were arguing in our house, which was not a house I or we had ever lived in. She was leaving me. I guess it was really the fight we should have had but never did. Anyways, she left and I had this epic meltdown in my dream. I was throwing things outside. I burned her possessions. I destroyed the house, because I was so mad at her. She destroyed our house, the house we built together in the dream, was now a rotting run-down house, and I was left there alone with it all by myself.  And I just screamed and screamed, at her, at myself, at no one.  And then I woke up.

And I remembered this dream.

What you may not realize is: I never, ever have remembered a dream, with one exception, prior to this dream. My subconscious was desperate for my conscious self to understand this: I was mad at Katie. Lividly.

But I wasn't aware of it until that moment when I woke up. I've never had such a feeling a clarity in my life. I've never felt what it's like to see everything and understand the world in your head so perfectly clear.

Of course, that clarity passed. But what remained was the fact that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who left. I'm a flawed human being, and at fault for a lot of things, but not the failure of my marriage. And I wasn't happy about that loss.

I'm still lonely, but it's a better kind of lonely now.

And I think I'm a better person now. I've since stopped taking my meds. And I don't mope around anymore.  And I'm trying to be a better friend; I'm slowly making new ones. This school year will be different, because I'm a new person now.

From this crucible has evolved a newer, possibly better, me.

More on dating, later...

Required statement post...

So I'm starting a new blog.  I had posted an post on the old one that didn't belong to that blog.  I'm not that person anymore, and I don't want to burden the future with the past.  So I'm starting this blog anew.  I'm reclaiming some of my past, some of my future, and moving forward.